The Allentown Jail Shoelace Security Award

To Leon Johnson and William Kelly for having had a bothersome but ineffective push-button lock installed on the entrance door of the snack bar.

The Donald Duck Utterance Award

To G— S— for having thought of and made the most inappropriate of all possible remarks for each occasion and every circumstance throughout the year.

The Bette Davis Devotion to Duty Award

To myself, Jack Nixon, for having traveled to all the way to Saltrou for a dedication ceremony relative to Sister Brigitt’s latrine project.

The Kooky Computer Award

To Jalil Karam for having counted 723 mosquitoes at the swimming pool of the Petionville club and having caused them to flit away with jet-like velocity to the swimming pool at the residence of Dr. Pons — all but 45 of them, that is, which he managed to exterminate with RAID, the commissary’s new insecticide, formulated to be particularly effective in combating leafhoppers and climbing cutworms.

The Shortest Verse in the Bible Award

To Henry Mattox for having provided the most fitting, albeit fatalistic, answer of the year to the year’s longest (109 pages) airgram from AID/Washington. Henry’s reply: “Embassy concurs.”

The Chicken Plucker’s Downy Pillow Award

To David Warren for having conveyed a telephone message so loudly that it was heard at the experimental pig station of Damiens (where, incidentally, as it concerned tomatoes and sweet peppers, and not Duroc breed sows, it caused considerable perplexity), even though the telephone operator had not succeeded in connecting the call.

The Last Tango in Paris Award

To Carlos Pereira for having appeared at the last disaster relief meeting wearing Pucci palazzos at the top and a tank top at the bottom.

The Parker Sisters’ Thread and Scissors Award

To Andrew Tangalos for having convinced visitors from OPIC and the Inter-American Foundation that Pauline Bonaparte dreamed she went swimming in the frog pond of Habitation Leclerc in her Maidenform bra.